Special Skills

by Aug 21, 2023Entertainment, Moriah Jane

Many people have abilities and secret skills they can boast about. Things like yodeling, paper maché, or having a healthy relationship with their in-laws. Being a particularly self-aware person I always try to have a mental laundry list of insubstantial activities I am fairly good at. I will bring this out at dinner parties or spontaneous rendezvous when the conversation is in danger of dying out or becoming stale. Say Rob has already given his opinion on the weather twice, instead of inquiring about the atmosphere and it’s influence on his mental state again, I have learned to say something like “Well why don’t you come and look at this quilt I just finished! Took me 10 years!”. This resuscitation at worst results in two or three genuine compliments before the other party realizes they neither care about nor desire to know anything in the world of textile arts. That’s when I pull out the big guns. “You know, it takes me about five minutes to fully gut the average collared dove?”  

Once the guest has started blinking again is when I usually launch into details. See it’s not nearly as difficult as some might believe. You simply need to have the right utensils and, as the kids say, “that dog in you”. What the dog helps with I’m not sure, but having enough gusto to aggressively dismember an animal might have something to do with it. Putting that aside, we move on to the actual technique of meticulously manipulating the mangled mess of mass to harvest the wee bit of meat found on the bird. Unfortunately, by the time I reach that point in the spontaneous presentation (complete with an actual deceased dove saved just for these instances) my guests always have an urgent call or meeting they must attend to. It’s a shame really.