69% of All Marital Problems are Perpeutal & Will Never be Solved,

So Must be Comprimised Through to Succeed. Learn how to understand the basics of the issue, see the 6 questions below.

 

So We Must Understand Our Partners

and Their Points of View BEFORE we Start to Address an Issue.

Couples Who Fight “Right” with Tools that Describe Own feelings and needs rather than blaming.

They will understand each other much better, the past family dynamics come out, the life goals come out, a deeper understanding.

“Here is what I hear you saying…”

The 6 Key Questions to Resolving Conflicts

1. What are you beliefs values and ethics about the issue?
2. Do you have past history, hurts related to this issue?
3. Why is it so important to you?
4. What would be the ideal dream for your world regarding this world?
5. What is the life purpose or goal for you?

The 4 Horsemen of the apocalypse

of relationships. # of seconds couple shares validation comments during conflict the master were 5 to 1, where the disasters were

1. Criticism is the starting point, “You always do X”, instead of, “I hate that X is messed up or wrong etc”.
2. Defensiveness, and excuses
3. Contempt, criticism from a place of superiority, I’m better than you. I know more, you’re wrong here. Name calling, sarcasm and mockery.
4. Stonewalling, 85% of guys do this. No response they are listening. Elevated vital signs, heart rate, increased cortisol & adrenaline. Men tend to feel anger and aggression, (Internal voice is saying to themselves, “shut up and don’t say anything, endure this”) Flooding. Can’t take in new info, hearing is reduced, periferel vison is comprimised.

Women can typically relax more easily.

Men are built to stay vigilant and hyper vigilant particularly for/against attack.

80% of the time women bring up marital issues.

Gottman Solution to Flooding:
Best way to deal with flooding, just go to sleep…wait till tomorrow to deal with it. Instead of “Never go to bed angry”, As Paul advises. Letting the devil have a foothold.

Rather say, “I need to take a break and come back to this.” And then DON’T think about ht e fight, do some self-soothing, go for a hike.

Women tend to be more Unhappily Married than Men.

All non-cuddlers having horrible sex lives.

How Couples Repair?

They regularly respond positively to “Turning Toward” or Repair Attempts. “I’m really starting to feel attacked, can you say that a little differently?”

85% Turning Toward!

Gottman Practical Tips:

Say What You Need! Don’t expect partner to read your mind.

What is something that I can do Next Week to help you feel more loved.

Annual Review of relationship

 

After an Argument

Repair attempts

5 steps:

1. Each person addresses a list of emotions, which emotion they had during the argument
2. Each person can share their perception, describe their view from beginning to end. “ok from your point of view I can see that you could feel this or that…
3. Did these feelings come from something in the past, an enduring vulnerability.
4. Now you take responsibility for why you said what you said, now you say why you regret saying what you said, and apologizing.
5. What’s one thing we can each avoid doing differently next time?

Sex & Intimacy

A study, by Christiana Northup – mostly sex is reduced within 3 years of first child is born. 70,000 people in different countries, A book called “The Normal Bar”, sex is same for the whole world.

1. Say I love you and meaning it
2. Romantic Gift giving
3. Regular Romantic dates
4. Cuddling, Touch public affection, a romantic connection. 96% of non cuddlers had awful sex life.
5. Kissing is a gateway to eroticism, kiss wives when leave for work, 20 second hug or 6 second kiss, oxytocin is released.

Some Men who are hyper masculine think cuddling in feminine so only way they can receive physical touch is thru sex. He feels deprived of touch, she says I’m not getting enough affection. But can they receive cuddling?

Life is foreplay, couples who stop having sex have shut down sensual and novelty aspects of life.

80% of couples said “fun” had shut down in their relationship, familiarity and emotional connection creates much better sexual connection.

• traveling
• new food
• playing games

Book “Come as Your Are”,
by Emily Negoski

Women must feel safe, they say “Women need a reason for sex, “men just need to have a place!” — Chevy Chase.

All the details must be taken care of prior to a woman being able to relax enough for sex.

1 of 4 women have been sexually assaulted by the age of 18

Book “A Man’s Guide to Women”, by Gottmans. Familiarity and safety is a requisiste for sex. An awareness of psychological safety.

Men who do housework have more sex.

Society has Become More Loveless

 

Couples who talk about sex have better sex, & who talk more during sex…

what you wish for more of, what you like about each other, what specifically do you prefer, how do we refuse sex without hurting each other.

Hook-Up Culture is alive and thriving

people meet up, hook up and depart. It’s extremely bad for both men and women, due to Zero emotional connection and when they leave they feel more empty. No emotional connection, they don’t know who they are having sex with. People are not committing in long-term relationships as used to.

 

Women and Careers

Men are struggling, “I used to be the provider.” It’s becoming much more difficult for men to figure out their role and who they want to be compared to women.

Women now make .81c per dollar compared for men.

Men are Understanding the New Role of Relationships, Friendships,

Reach out to Strangers and Creating Community

Women are Looking for:

• Sensitive, emotionally aware, caring man.
• Strong protector, someone who can physically protect them, give them safety.
• Meekness.

 

Do You know Each Others Dream?

And WHY do They Mean anything particularly for you?

 

Book “8 Dates” is great for weekly reconnection